I really liked the idea of making the homeless happy. I saw their faces when we were giving them food during the homeless Christmas, and I promised to visit one homeless lady on 29 December, but I could not, so I will go on 30. She just wanted to give me some lyrics of Hungarian Christmas songs, that is so nice of her. In fact, the homeless also want their Christmas, and it is really great that they could celebrate it. A lot of them seemed to be happy. I was thinking of bringing her some food. It just came. But at the same time I was recollecting my experiences in Italy when I was begging and people were giving me money and food, because I was asking for. Back tehre I felt really strange, teh strangiest in my life as I knew prefectly that I have a place to stay in Budapest and I have some savings that will allow me to live/survive more or less ok for at least a year. At the same time, I did not have that much money in Italy, and I also needed to spend some for food and travel. So, in fact extra money would not have been obsolete, especially taking into account the memories of starving during the daytime in Roma when we were searching for a cheap supermercato for the whole day without eating anything... Well, we have found a cheap one on hte last day we were in Roma. What an irony.
Anyway, I was always wondering about giving and taking, and what I like more. As a child I really enjoyed taking things and especially nice food, as I come from a poor family and we could not really afford ourselves much, so a lot of other kids always had better things, which I could never have. So, I was really delighted by celebrations when strangers (my mom's friends and relatives) brought some presents and tehre was some delicious and rare food on the table. I also enjoyed presents from my grandfather who brought sometimes things that were really hard to get during the perestroyka period...
When I was growing up, I used to spend a lot of time in summer at children's camps, and I was priviledged in a way that I got a chance to see my father again after 10 or so years, and as he turned out to be a relatively rich person, he sent me once per each summer camp nice packs of sweets/fruit and other delicious stuff that was usually eaten up quickly by other children, so I was lucky if I could get a piece. But usually almost nothing was left to me.
So, it was always a problem for me: I liked sharing things, but at the same time I was always left without anything myself, while lots of other people took advantage of me. I had enough 'friends' who were friends at school just because I studied well and they could copy my hometask.
Now I am really more ok with the idea of sharing things, especially if I have more than the others, and I also want to become more generous and learn to have no negative feelings when giving things to the people I do not really know or care about, e.g., random people in the street. Of course, I really like sharing things with people I like, I do not mean only material resources, but also my time and knowledge. I am actually more eager to share the latter ones. I also like sharing food.
When it comes to money issues, it is a bit more complicated, and the simpliest reason is the way I get the money. Usually, I had to work hard and have some jobs to get the money. Sometimes I was lucky and I got the money from my relatives because they wanted to share, but I still had this feeling of guilt for taking their money they got for putting their time and energy in some dull job. I do not know why I had this feeling. I also felt somehow awkward whn I got money form apparently richer Italians above 60, because I thought that they would need the money more than me, just because I am yong and I can still make money by working somewhere in Eastern Europe, but not really the EU apart from Hungary, as they do not like non-EU citizens and complications with work permits. So, after all, as an immigrant punk I am not really privileged to the benefits EU citizens can have, so maybe it was not that bad that the Italians wanted to share their money. Anyway, I spent it on food.
So, coming back to sharing and giving, I really want to learn how to be more detached from what I give, becasue I usually have tihs fear that the others take everything from me and they can potentially abuse my kindness. And I will be left alone poor like a church mouse... So that I have to go and beg again notto die from hunger. How pathetic :)
At the same time, as for getting, now I have this strange feeling that if I get something, Ishould always do or give something in return, which seems to be a result of capitalist brainwash. Exactly, capitalism imposes on you that there is no such a thing as a free lunch, and you should live in the society of giving and returning the favour. So, I need some strong anticapitalist brainwasher, I guess. Maybe a life in a community with people I trust to will help. I like the idea of common property, and that everyione can contribute according to his abilities and get according to his needs.